Dear Fran, I hate you
Dear Fran,
I have to admit, it was not pleasant seeing you today. The last time I saw you was about six months ago and I thought we had a pretty good experience. To be quite frank, I don’t think things are going to work out between us, but first let me explain why.
When I first started CrossFit, I heard all about you. You were probably the most popular girl out of all the rest. I really liked some of the others like Helen and Angie and even Barbara, but you were different. I saw pictures of you on the internet with all kinds of different people from around the world. I also found pictures and videos of people “doing” your dumbbell sister and “destroying” your fat sister, but they didn’t compare to you. I was intrigued and interested to meet you.
I played it over and over again in my head. One day I would walk in the gym and there you would be on the whiteboard staring back at me with your simplistic beauty. Your perfect measurements of 21-15-9 wrapped in a 95 pound body gave me butterflies. Then the day came on a hot summer day last July. Do you remember? Our first visit was like a lucid dream (minus the midgets).
I remember getting to the gym a little early to watch other guys try to do you. You left them bruised and battered and the floor and sent others home with bloody palms. Some people tried but you could tell their heart wasn’t in it. As the hour drew near, I knew it was our destiny for us to be together.
Dane, it's a pull-up bar not a rollercoaster
Our first meeting was a memorable one like when Daniel LaRusso meets Ali (Elizabeth Shue) for the first time on the beach. Sparks flew and the first few seconds were magical but then Johnny and the rest of the Cobra Kais come and kick Daniel Son’s ass. My thrusters were mediocre at best, but my pull-up was the thing that really won you over. It only took you 5:37 to tease me and leave me wanting more. I drove home that night drunk with lust and ran three stop signs. Don’t do Fran and drive.
The second time we met was at my level 1 certification. There were so many other people in the room and I didn’t want to look like a schmuck in front of Jolie Gentry and Jason Khalipa, so I had to step my game up. I knew this time I had to try extra hard to win your heart over. This time it took you 4:41 to leave me on the floor wondering what more I could do.
Today was different. I knew you were going to be in the gym and I was planning to avoid you. I was going to say I wasn’t feeling good or something had mysteriously come up and I couldn’t see you. Why? Well, I’ve been off my game for quite some time. Everyone else was passing me by. No longer were people surprised by your elegant sadism. This time they were ready for it and it showed as people were PRing all over your face…everyone except for me. You singled me out and decided to focus your wrath on me. It was inevitable you would force me to do you again. How could I resist? Two minutes in to you my muscles were throbbing and my chest was burning. Was my heart on fire or was it breaking? Five minutes in I couldn’t hear out of my left ear and my world became very small. Things swirled into a blur of bars and mumbled voices echoed to keep going like in some crappy made for TV movie where the protagonist does ecstasy for the first time. Except this wasn’t ecstasy, it was misery. I finished you today at 9:44 which was the slowest time in the gym. The fastest time went to Jon at 2:44 who could have done you and Karen in less time that it took for me to finish you off. You left me writhing in pain in some sort of post-coital fetal position with my head throbbing and my muscles on fire. I lay there wondering why I let you do this to me time and time again. Why do I let you fly in to my life and leave just as fast? Yes I will probably continue to stalk you on the internet and yes I did see the video of Slaughter doing your dumbbell sister on some Antarctic cruise. The next time I see you with some other guy “doing” or “destroying” you, I won’t be jealous, I’ll be happy that I won’t let you determine my value as a human being any more. The next time we meet it won’t be about lust, it will be about revenge. I hate you, Fran.
Regards,
Forrest
WOD 2/16/2010
A. Hang Squat Snatch 2-2-2
B. Midwest Sectional WOD 54321
Watch the video of the standards here
5 minutes of Rowing for calories
4 minutes of Box Jumps for reps (20/24)
3 minutes of hang squat snatches for reps (45/75)
2 minutes of wall balls for reps (10 ft high)
1 minute of Handstand Push-ups for reps
C. Optional:
Overhead Squat 2-2-2
Hang Power Clean 1-1-1-1-1
Deadlift 3-3
Clean Pull 3-3-3
hahahaha nice .. i can’t wait to get some of that Fran
oh and … http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xJ27XzR3HJc for Jason doing it in 1:53
Antarctica cruise. not alaska
Oh my damn! That’s talent and Hilarious. Danielson got up quicker after the leg sweep, but it looked like yours hurt more. Welcome back Chief! Way to Geterdone!
Sorry Slaughter. I just fixed it. My lats and ass are so sore today. I hate you Fran.
Forrest you have such a way of telling your story-I absolutely loved it. Today’s WOD looks tough, but I am excited to try something new.
Dear Fran Indeed. Fran is definitely the girl you love to hate! Great job to everyone yesterday and especially to Forrest. I can’t believe you even tried doing it after so long off. You may feel like you were slow but that is a damn respectable time doing it prescribed with not really being able to train for the last 5 months.
Slaughter…way to hit that Fran goal! Nice to be knocking some goals off the board!
Forrest! This letter was highly irresponsible. You should have included a disclaimer that the ideas expressed in this post are not those of CFSB’s members as a whole. You’ve put all of us at risk of any retaliation Fran may pursue after reading your letter. You’ve taken on the liability of any subsequent retaliation by her against your members just so you could vent your frustration about being rejected by some silly girl. Smooth move. It was bad enough facing Fran before. I can’t imagine what Angry Fran will look like.
anyone seen this?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rgH_ZoMOht8&sns=em
Remy that video was freaking awesome. I’m still laughing.
Hahaha. Thanks for the shout out Forrest….but I won’t lie, for me a pull up is as scary as a roller coaster hence my horrified look at the bar after realizing I have to get my overgrown ass up there to it somehow….
Great job everybody yesterday!
This is another great one. I was rolling on the floor
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJyPha4Rfdo&feature=related
“Let’s get one thing straight: I did piss and shit myself, but I was kipping too.”
“And your facebook status updates are just disturbing. I don’t want to know what you were cleaning and jerking last night.”
Holy shit Remy. This little video has quotes that are ranking up there with Anchorman. I’m DYING from hysterics.
Yeah, some tears rolled from that one.
It is a good cult. It is a good cult. It is a good cult. It is a good cult.
My heart is breaking for you, Forrest.
Seriously Forrest I’ve never felt so bad and wanted to laugh at the same time as yesterday. I know exactly how you felt after doing that. It’s such a damn love hate relationship. I do have one question though after going through the “Flickr” photos, why does it look like Dane’s smiling doing the WOD? Kid must be crazy. Today’s going to be 15 mins. of hell. Should be fun!!
This WOD is going to be insane.
Ok I am fucking peeing my pants right now-SO FUNNY. “You going to do what to Fran in your WOD?” HAHA. Remy thanks for the great laugh made my day!
“No Joke, I seriously thought I was going to have to grab a piece of wood and smack you off the bar.”
“Woman, it’s called kipping”
FANTASTIC!
Btw, way to kill it yesterday Mike. Nice job man. Seriously.
I really enjoyed yesterdays workout-aside from not being able to feel my legs during box jumps and John in my ear saying “Nicole come on get up there, full extension”-in my head I was like shut the F up, but knew deep down he was only encouraging me to bust them out. Thanks John for that push:))) And to everyone’s energy and encouragement it was really awesome to see yesterday!!!!
Thanks Scarlett! have to give all the credit to the coaches here.
[...] “I hate you, Fran!” by CrossFit [...]
that article was way too funny. No one but a CrossFitter would ever understand. You guys sound like a blast. Keep up the good work. It’s all about community.
[...] Crossfit South bay writes a great letter. Dear Fran, I hate you. [...]