Mission impossible

Matty shows his love for a puppy. Coincidentally the puppy's name is Vinny.

There’s a big difference between having a mission statement that says you stand for something and having a mission statement that you actually believe in. A few months ago, Tammy was talking to me about why CFSB doesn’t have a mission statement. I personally dislike the idea of a mission statement and hate companies that use their mission statement only when it’s convenient to them. Companies love to exploit an opportunity that reinforces their ambiguous and weak mission statement. I’ll pick on one company’s mission statement since I hate them and they are an easy target.

“Throughout our 27 year history, we’ve held fast to our mission of helping people change their lives through fitness.”

Really? How many people’s lives have you actually changed? Furthermore, you aren’t really helping me actually do anything. If by “helping me” you mean letting the girl at the front desk who is one chromosome away from being remotely hot and possibly not legally retarded scan my entry card and check my ID¹, then yes, you’ve helped me change my life. Also congratulations on hiring borderline rapist douche bags to privately train your clients. A cheaper route would be to hire a counting monkey who knew how to take a pin out of a machine and put it back in.

Brittney's goal is to not to throw-up a little bit in her mouth during the 2K row.

“We recognize that every person has their own set of goals and their own unique perspective of what a fitness center means to them.”

Here’s a goal I have: How about I come to your gym and not catch some sort of disease? Or maybe my goal is to find a piece of fitness equipment that actually works. Or maybe I want to come to the gym and not have to wonder why there is a sign that says “Sorry for the inconveence (spelled exactly how it was on the sign). There is no toilet paper or soap in the men’s bathroom”. If you truly recognized what a fitness center meant to me, then you wouldn’t allow the Jersey Shore meat monster talk on his cell phone while he pretends to use the only set of 40 pound dumbbells. You would start buying kettlebells, plyo boxes medicine balls and rubber bumper plates. You would get rid of all those ridiculous contraptions that have names that end in “blaster”.  You would allow people to drop weights because it’s safer than trying to silently put them down. You would actually clean your facility. You should recognize that most of your members actually hate your gym, your sleazy sales people, your shitty trainers and your sucky equipment and they just go there because it only costs $21 per month. A fitness center should promote hard work and reward dedication and motivate all of its athletes. Your members should want to come and actually like the people they are working out with.

What a fitness center means to me

“Some members want to shed a few extra pounds and some members simply want to get healthier.”

Thank you, Captain Obvious, you cracked the code. Who doesn’t want to get healthier? If you really knew your members, you would understand their true goals. You would know that Rebecca got her first pull-up the other day and that Preston got a sub 4-minute Fran and that Shira’s before and after pics look amazing and that Big Ryan just had shoulder surgery. You would know that your members don’t just want to shed a few pounds, but they want to get fit. You would tell your members if all they wanted to do was get skinny, that they should just stop eating. You would know their sleep schedules and where they are injured and what they are eating. You would know these things because you would ask them and you would truly care about what they had to say. You would know these things so you can find ways to help them achieve their goals and help them set bigger and better ones. The truth is that you don’t know your members, and that’s why we’re taking them away from you.

Our girls make ring dips sexy...so do you Jerimiah.

“24 Hour Fitness makes clubs affordable and accessible to people of all abilities and fitness levels because we believe there is an athlete in all of us.”

You definitely fulfill your side of the bargain here. You might make it too accessible since it’s so ridiculously crowded just about every hour of the day. You’ve managed to get everyone, except for the strange homeless guy sleeping on your stairs outside, a membership. Bravo, by allowing everyone in your gym you’ve ruined it for the people who are actually trying to workout. In addition, there isn’t an athlete in all of us, just like there isn’t a mathematician, doctor, physicist or Broadway dancer in all of us. Some of us don’t have an athletic bone in our body, but still want to get fit so we have to work a little harder to get there. If you truly believed in the fitness of your members, you would cap your membership to the most dedicated, hard working, trustworthy members. You wouldn’t sour the experience with letting any asshole join your gym.

CFSB doesn’t need a mission statement. We live it every day. We truly believe that each and every one of you is family and we care about your goals, your ouchies, your cheat meals and whatever else you want to tell us about. We are dedicated to helping you achieve your goals, albeit sometimes even more dedicated than you. I will give 24 Hour Fitness one thing: they have managed to get people to give them money for nothing in return. Even I’m guilty of that. I have a membership that costs me $50/year and haven’t stepped foot in the gym in over 2 years. If you don’t come for a week, you will probably hear from one of us asking if everything is ok. CFSB is your gym and we make our decisions based your feedback. Standing for something isn’t about writing it down. It’s about believing it and living it.

¹The half hot half retarded girl would check my ID every day and still didn’t realize it was me. Either all Asians really do look alike or her retardedness was causing short term memory loss.

Workout of the Day 6/29/2010

A. Weighted dead hang pull-ups 3-3-3

If you don’t have pull-ups work negatives. If you don’t have a weighted pull-up, work on dead hangs. Use the weight vests and/or sandbags as the weights.

B. 3 Rounds of:
Baseline WOD =

300M Run
15 Squats
15 Ring Rows
15 Push-ups
12 Squats
12 Ring Rows
12 Push-ups
9 Squats
9 Ring Rows
9 Push-ups
300M Run

Rest exactly 2 minutes between rounds. Record split time. Compare to your time on the first night of your On-Ramp class.